does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
