I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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