I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize