i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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