Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
