There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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