tell your sister to shave her snatch
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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