Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
