Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I woke up under a house in Key West
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