Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
