my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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