I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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