If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize