my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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