non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
