I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
