I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
