is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Randomize
