Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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