mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
