He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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