I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
