put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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