Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
