My balls are so social today.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize