then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I would ride that face into the sunset
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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