meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
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