So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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