OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Randomize
