I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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