If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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