Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
