dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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