dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
