I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
