Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
