Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
zippers are such a cool invention
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
A+ Viking dick
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
