your parents love me but you hate me
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Randomize
