Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
