I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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