It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
