Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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