If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
