he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
