Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You ruined the universe
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
