I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
