where am i from again
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
