cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You pole danced in your parka.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
