the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
