He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
