I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
