My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
