Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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