I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
