we have officially lost it.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
