I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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