Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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