I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
