I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
