I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
