I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
