You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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