from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
