I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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