would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Randomize
