By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Randomize
