I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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