I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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