we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
