You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
