I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
