somebody snuck up and got me drunk
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Randomize
