so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
