I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
