I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I think I just sharted jello shots
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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