Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize