I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
