It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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